I don’t wanna talk about it

Explanation kills a lot more than just art. It seems the more you sit there talking about plans, situations or ideas, the more they dwindle. Sometimes, it's impossible to communicate in any way about what you're feeling because the minute it is released from your mind, it's just not as sacred.

It's like explaining love to someone… you could go on and on about the butterflies or the small, intimate moments, but they will never truly know what you mean. They're never going to understand the nuances between two other people or just how they make each other feel. Objectively, it's easy to look into things like love and explain them down to two people with no impulse control… but it is so rarely just that.

I'm at a crossroads right now between explanation and silence… it's so tempting to quickly appease myself and my loved ones by simply explaining things in hopes of muting the issues. It's so easy to just give into the shallow and bitter feelings, but what does that really do? Other than cause me to bottle up how I really feel? Am I not allowed to explain things away in one moment but in the next give into the things that no one is ever going to understand? I'm trying to be as open as I can without giving away too much– without ruining the truth with explanation. I want people to be okay with simply saying, "I'm not ready to explain this, but when I am I will come to you". Is that really too much to ask for?

Life right now is a confusing battle between things that are worth explaining and things that I never could. Not from lack of trying but because people just don't understand… they never have and maybe they never will. I am okay with it, but I need others to be as well. This is my life and my journey and sometimes I don't always talk about things in the proper way and sometimes there really is something bigger going on that others don't see.

I think a lot of the freedom I want is going to come with age– once I move out of my parents' house and am making a life of my own, then I won't have to explain my every decision to people. Right now I'm just trying to find a healthy balance and I'm hopeful that I'll get there one way or another. I think it's just a matter of taking things day by day and allowing myself time to process things so that when the time does come to make a decision and explain it to those around me then I will be fully prepared and confident. It's okay to take things slowly; I can still be true to myself and my heart and take things slowly.

Note: I'm sitting in the "playtorium" at factoria mall, watching small children fling themselves at foam walls. It's a great place for introspection.

Note 2.0: If this tidbit resonated with any of you, know this: your life is in your hands. The only person you have to answer to at the end of the day is yourself (or a higher power if you're into that kind of thing), so take the time to listen to your heart and go towards the things that make it beat in a good way. Believe in your decisions and the ones who truly love you will follow suit eventually.


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