I’ve been working so hard this past month to try and build something for myself. I am currently doing an internship and training in ballroom for around six hours a week, working as a nanny part-time and teaching at a dance studio. It feels like a lot– getting up at 7:30 every morning and driving to Newport to entertain a three year old then heading home for a few hours to refine class plans and brush up my combos for that day then hop in my car and drive out to Kent or Seattle until late into the evening– I am so thankful for every opportunity that I have happened upon, however. Even when I am stressed out and frustrated that I don’t have more time to just sit around, I really don’t know what my days would look like without my commitments. I’ve discovered that I am so much happier when I am devoting my time towards tangible goals and creating opportunities for myself. I love what I do and none of it feels like a job when I am in the middle of teaching kids how to do a grande jete or making mac n’ cheese for a three year old– it’s all the empty space in-between that makes me second guess how I am spending my time. It’s getting off work and looking at my phone to see that I didn’t get the text back I was hoping for and thinking that maybe if I had been doing something else during that time then they would have responded; or getting home after a long day and feeling lonely because I don’t have anyone that I really want to talk about my day with. Little transitional moments that hinder my confidence in my pursuit of success. The more these things come up the more I realize how deeply I need to invest in my work… because the truth is I may never get a text back and I may never have someone who I really want to talk about my day with, and if that’s all I am banking on for happiness then what is my life really worth? If I’m not working towards something that is completely reliant on my own strength and determination then I am never, ever going to be happy.
Being a year out of high school I have learned that people are going to let you down 98% of the time and that you have to make something for yourself so that when they do you aren’t floundering to find purpose. Different kinds of relationships come and go– whether that be friends, family, significant others. You literally cannot bank on any of them as your one source of excitement, joy or fulfillment… it’s okay to need people and life definitely wasn’t meant to be done alone, but you also have to have something that is completely your own that you invest ample energy into so that you can grow yourself as an individual and not just as someone in a relationship with another person.
I’m really not sure if that made sense. A lot of this is just self-talk that I’m trying to instill into myself– I really do believe it’s true, though. I always have feelings of loneliness and think that maybe I would be happier if I was just around friends all day and not doing anything to work toward my aspirations. However, when I am in the studio correcting sickled feet and tense shoulders or perfecting my cha-cha or going hard at a game of make-believe with a tiara on my head, I know that I’m where I am supposed to be. The truth is, life isn’t always about acting impulsively to feel good in the moment. Happiness will come around and stay when you find enough peace within yourself to work hard at the things that will get you to where you want be.
Note: My best friend Sarah got me a fidget spinner the other day and ever since I have been feeling extremely introspective, so expect a boat load of random thoughts from me in the coming weeks (or days, we’ll see how well this thing really works).